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Things You Might Need One Day

Or not.

In Case You Were Curious

There are many ways to go to hell.

Certain to Make a "Big Impression" When You Reach the Office as Well

Inventor James McAdam has unusual ideas - some practical, some funny, some bordering on the insane:

"As you rest your head on the pillow for those valuable last few moments before you wake the words Good Morning Sweetheart are gently pressed onto your cheek. Even though you may feel tired and drowsy your loved one can see how you feel."

More. 

Friday Afternoon Drama

Just to keep you going through the weekend:

It's Probably a Bit Moldy

I wouldn't eat it.

Taking Maternal Bonding to a New Level

Click the video.

Beware of Drunk Chimpanzees

As if having had to deal with Idi Amin was not enough:

Chimpanzees in western Uganda are increasingly raiding illegal brewing operations in forested river valleys and getting drunk on the country beer. Once intoxicated, they become hostile and attack and at times kill human children, parks officials say.

The officials, however, insist that even a drunk chimp cannot take on a grown man. All the babies they have attacked have been either unaccompanied, or are in in the company of other children.

One notorious chimp nicknamed Saddam is blamed for killing at least three babies and maiming several others in Ruteete sub-county which borders the Kibale National Park.

Early this year, officials of the Jane Goodall Institute in Uganda were quoted in BBC's Wildlife Magazine as saying that chimpanzees had killed eight children and injured many others in Ugandan national parks. Debby Cox, the director of the institute, suggested that the aggressive behaviour of the chimps was caused by increased proximity between the animals and humans.

Dr Michael Gavin, who carried out the study, was reported by the magazine as saying that the technique used by the chimps to kill or maim the children mirrored the way they tear apart other prey, suggesting that they snatched the children to eat them. "In most cases they bite off the limbs first before disembowelling them, just as they would the red colombus monkey, which is among their favourite prey," he said.

A January 14 report on the chimp attacks, prepared by the Uganda Wildlife Authority (UWA), says that local beer is usually brewed illegally along river valleys, which are also the habitat of chimps. "When chimps come across the local brew, they drink it, become drunk and in that state any encounter with people means an attack," says the report, compiled for the UWA executive director, a copy of which was obtained by The EastAfrican.

This report was written in 2004 - hopefully, they have figured out how to handle the problem by now. 

Those are...

...some extremely cool trees.

A Magnet? Hidden Where? Why?

Strange news story of the day.

Who Will Protect Us From the Dark Side?

This could be serious:

The UK's Jedi community today expressed concerns that government plans to ban Samurai swords could hinder their freedom to wield lightsabres in public.

The UK's Home Office today issued a consultation paper ahead of legislation intended to ban Samurai blades by the end of the year. In a bid to "protect the public", replica Samurai swords will become illegal to import, sell and hire in Britain.

"But Jedi fear that the Samurai ban would leave them exposed to future legislation against other forms of imitation weaponry that would, Jedi Temple (Neasden) spokesman Indi-Anna Jones warned today. [Indi-Anna Jones!  Hahah]

...The Samurai sword ban is only the first step toward compulsory lightsabre confiscations," he said. "Everyone knows George Lucas based his series on the Japanese film The Seven Samurai - the Jedi will be next."

However, not all the 390,000 British Jedi fear the government's reforms.

"The propsals' suggested exemptions for groups such as the British Kendo Association should give us a loophole," claimed UK Jedi Bus-Qyu Simpson. "These exemptions cover swords made in Japan before the existing licensing regime came into force in 1953 or those made by licensed Japanese swordsmiths since that time.

"Everyone knows Jedi-hood is an 'ancient religion', founded long ago in a galaxy far, far away, so it should be safe from this legislation," he said.

And in related  news:

Two Jedi this morning turned up at the UN's London HQ to demand official recognition of their religion, The Sun reports.

"Umada" and "Yunyun" - aka 27-year-old John Wilkinson and 24-year-old Charlotte Law - timed their "protest" to coincide with today's UN International Day of Tolerance, which they'd like renamed "Interstellar Day of Tolerance".

Wilkinson said: "We have come here today to ask that we are recognised as the fourth largest religion in this country."

Indeed, more than 390,000 Brits are practising Jedi, according to the 2001 census. Brighton is the country's principal centre of Jedi activity, with 6,480 professing to follow the faith.

Chewbacca was also on hand to petition the UN, and said via translator Yunyun: "It is not fair that there are lots of different life forces across the galaxy that are not getting recognised."

Britney Spears...

...has been seen wearing a Star of David.

A Very Disrespectful Thing...

...to do to fish. 

Though, I suppose they do it right back.

A New Weigh

Oh God, please don't let it be the whale...ok, not the bear...not the horse....

Oh geez. The pig. Guess it's time for Jennie Craig.

Pat Has a Religious Experience

In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Robertson said God also told him that the U.S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U.S. policies are pushing Israel toward "national suicide."  

Link

 

nEwSfLaSh:

Iranian researchers have unearthed evidence showing that Hitler was a self-hating Jew who founded the state of Israel. 

Advisor to President Ahmadinejad claims Nazi leader was Jew who conspired with USSR and Britain to establish Jewish state.

Just when you thought the Iranian leadership could stoop no further: A top advisor to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed in an interview with Iranian website Baztab that Nazi leader Adolf Hitler's parents were both Jewish and that Hitler himself was one of the founders of the State of Israel.

In the interview, translated by MEMRI (Middle East Media Research Institute) Mohammad-Ali Ramin, a chief aide to Ahmadinejad, told Baztab that Hitler's paternal grandmother was a Jewish prostitute and his father even kept his Jewish name until finally changing it to Hitler when he was 40.

Ramin also claimed that the reason Hitler developed such an aversion to Judaism was because his Jewish mother was a promiscuous woman. Hitler therefore, says Ramin, tried to escape his religion.

Ramin cites a 1974 book by Hennecke Kardel titled 'Adolf Hitler: Founder of Israel', which alleges that Hitler strived to create a Jewish state as a result of being influenced by his Jewish relatives and his cooperation with Britain – which also wanted to drive the Jews out of Europe. Ramin claims in the interview that Hitler both identified with his Judaism and was disgusted by it. It is these ambivalent feelings, said Ramin, that formed the basis for his treatment of Jews.

According to Ramin on the one hand Hitler's relatives and the friends who brought him to power, as well as his mistresses and personal physician, were all Jewish.

On the other hand he welcomed the expulsion of ambitious and influential Jews from Europe to the British Mandate of Palestine.

Next:  3-Headed Martians land in Mecca.

They Use WHAT?

To make perfume?   

I can see the commercial now...

Ummmmmmm...Ambergris...from the intestines of a whale, and made for a woman.

The story

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Palate cleanser - to separate the feh from the sublime:

 

yOgA

So, I've been going to classes for a few weeks. Classes are given every day, and each one concentrates on something different. Today was the first time I'd taken a "vibration" class. Now, in real life I tend to be pretty down to earth and self-contained.  You are not going to find me dancing on tables with a lampshade on my head.  I am reserved, shy, controlled and hold things in. 

For today's class, we were to close our eyes and move, vigorously, to background music. We started out slowly and quietly, and I was fine with that, but then the tempo picked up, and suddenly, the woman in front of me started jumping back and forth and almost trampled me. Though we were supposed to keep our eyes shut, I couldn't help but take a peek to see what others were doing.  People were jumping up and down and really getting into it.  I had already decided it wasn't my cup of tea, when one of the participants began to do a primal scream sort of thing.  It became viral, and soon the majority of jumpers and movers were screaming their lungs out.

So, I am in the middle of the room, eyes shut, trying to move in a dignified, yet calorie-burning and aerobic fashion, surrounded by free spirits who were there to let it all hang out (fully clothed, thank God). It seemed very Woodstock, but somewhat more violent.  Picture Woodstock in a mosh pit, where everyone is reliving their birthing experience.

Now, let me emphasize that I really do feel the benefits of the class.  It's been extremely helpful in improving flexibility, and has gone amazingly far in alleviating annoying rotator cuff pain that's been getting worse and worse over time.  But it is a bit more than I bargained for in terms of its...well, there's no other word for it, nuttiness. 

I had a one-on-one session with the head guy a few days ago.  He gave me an exceedingly painful deep tissue massage designed to release tension and "open up the meridians." During it, he had to tell me to relax several times because my face was all squinched up from the discomfort, and I was curling up my toes. By about 2/3 of the way in, every time he told me to relax, I couldn't stop myself from laughing.  I think it was sort of a nervous reaction to the pain, along with a compelling desire - which I finally succumbed to - to tell him that it was easy for him to say;  no one was jamming a thumb into his spine, after all.

He told me that I had to learn to be both inside my body and outside my body.  (Mental yoga, I presume) In the middle of the massage session, it became apparent that he was developing some nasal congestion.  He kept sniffing and snuffling.  Later he told me that the massage must have released a lot of my pent up negative energy because whenever negative energy is released, it causes his sinuses to become congested.

That's an interesting concept that I never learned about in nursing school.   

Honestly, the program is a good and positive thing, but the weird bits make me laugh.  The head man, when I initially agreed to sign a three month contract, jumped up and down and clapped his hands and hugged me. There are plenty of students, so I don't think it was only the fact that dollar signs were ringing up in his eyes, but also that he is a person who is both happy and gay.

He always stays and chats with us after class while his assistant, a very tiny double-jointed female contortionist, serves tiny cups of green tea.  He is very knowledgeable about yoga and qi and don jong, and is very enthusiastic and energetic and good at complimenting and encouraging and I intend to try to remain open-minded so that I can learn more about Eastern health practices and exercise.

Next week:  I will attempt an "intestinal exercise" class. I can't even begin to imagine...

Heartbreak

The debilitating Iku Iku Byo leaves women not knowing if they are coming or going.

Oy! Oy! A tonsil is not a yo-yo!

Palindromes

Off one's rocker:

Originally the phrase was specifically about what we'd now call "mood swings." Now it means "to be crazy," but it used to connote a "normal" person who periodically, and unexpectedly, goes crazy.

"Aw, he's just off his rocker-- it'll pass."

Just imagine the kind of person you'd expect to find "on a rocker." An elderly person, the stodgy old grandma or grandpa most every household has in residence (the expression dates from 1897, before nursing homes were so acceptable). Most of the time they just sit and rock, hands folded, muttering quietly. But every now and then a sudden agitation overcomes old Uncle Nancy, he jumps up and cavorts around the house. Or runs off to the wars with his WWII Home Guard helmet on-- "out of uniform" so to speak, like Hyacinth Bucket's old dad.

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Definition credit

What's Halloween Without...

...sound effects?

Update: Had to delete the screams. They were not loading properly for me and were messing up the works.

Adorable Waste Products

The cuddly toys Pee&Poo, suitable for children of all ages.

Ahem. (cough) "Me, me, me me."

I'm a O80-C52-E15-A87-N37 Big Five!!

What are you?

Interestingly, I did not place the exclamation points at the end of the link above - they were placed there by the source.  Strange, that I thought it necessary to inform you of this.  Also strange, that I thought it necessary to tell you that I found it interesting. 

And I am still thinking and writing about it, minutes later.

Am I thinking too deeply?  Or just trying to amuse?  Will readers think it's amusing or tedious? Should I care?  What am I doing this for?  Why am I here?  What is the meaning of existence? Does it matter?  Doesn't everything matter?  If everything doesn't matter, than why should anything? What is the smallest piece of information you can think of?  What's smaller than that?  Where did it come from? Are matter and energy one and the same?  Can we create matter?  Can we create energy? If we can't, who can?  Who did? 

Not sure if the test covered this aspect of.

Visiting Paris Causes Mental Illness in Japanese Tourists

PARIS (Reuters) - Around a dozen Japanese tourists a year need psychological treatment after visiting Paris as the reality of unfriendly locals and scruffy streets clashes with their expectations, a newspaper reported on Sunday.

...Already this year, Japan's embassy in Paris has had to repatriate at least four visitors -- including two women who believed their hotel room was being bugged and there was a plot against them.

Previous cases include a man convinced he was the French "Sun King", Louis XIV, and a woman who believed she was being attacked with microwaves, the paper cited Japanese embassy official Yoshikatsu Aoyagi as saying.

"Fragile travellers can lose their bearings. When the idea they have of the country meets the reality of what they discover it can provoke a crisis," psychologist Herve Benhamou told the paper.

The phenomenon, which the newspaper dubbed "Paris Syndrome", was first detailed in the psychiatric journal Nervure in 2004.

Bernard Delage of Jeunes Japon, an association that helps Japanese families settle in France, said:

"In Japanese shops, the customer is king, whereas here assistants hardly look at them ... People using public transport all look stern, and handbag snatchers increase the ill feeling."

A Japanese woman, Aimi, told the paper:

"For us, Paris is a dream city. All the French are beautiful and elegant ... And then, when they arrive, the Japanese find the French character is the complete opposite of their own."

Link

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1.  The naivete of these Japanese tourists is astounding.

2.  The depths to which France has sunk is very sad and astounding.

I can't decide which I find more disturbing - #1 or #2.

Double Take

Interesting project by photographer Francois Brunelle. A collection of photographic portraits of North American and European look-alikes. Each photo features two look-alikes, who are not related, side by side.

Wow.  They look like siblings.  Some look like twins. Freaky.