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Parenting Teens

My daughter will be coming home from residential treatment soon.  We are all doing a lot of advance work to anticipate potential problems and try to address them before she comes home.

What follows is a very useful checklist that daughter, husband and I each filled out separately, after which we got together to compare notes.  It turned up some very interesting things - we agreed more than we disagreed thankfully, but more than that, it was an excellent starting point for some good conversation on issues that parents and teens need to discuss.

In the event someone else out there might find it useful, here it is:

Parent-Teenager Decision-Making Worksheet

Key:

1= Completely the teenager’s decision

2= Teenager decision with parent input

3= Parent decision with teenager input

4= Completely the parent’s decision

Fill out the following form as honestly as you can.  Do not answer as you figure the other individuals in your family would like you to answer, just put your honest feelings. 

                                                            1      2      3      4

1) What clothes I wear                         __   __    __    __

2) How I wear my hair                          __   __    __    __

3) When I take a shower/brush teeth  __   __    __    __

4) When I go to bed                              __   __    __    __

5) What food I eat                                 __   __    __    __

6) What hobbies and interests I have     __   __    __    __

7) What friends I see                              __    __    __    __

8) When I see my friends                       __    __    __    __

9) When I see my girlfriend/boyfriend    __    __    __    __

10) Whether I have a steady girl-boyfriend    __    __    __    __

11) My curfew time                                __    __    __    __

12) When I get my driver’s license       __    __    __    __

13) Whether I get my own car              __    __    __    __

14) Who pays for my car and insurance  __    __    __    __

15) When do I get to drive my car        __    __    __    __

16) Who puts gas in my car                   __    __    __    __

17) When do I get to drive the family car     __    __    __    __

18) Do I get a part or full time job       __    __    __    __

19) What job do I take                         __    __    __    __

20) What hours do I work                    __    __    __    __

21) How much personal money I spend    __    __    __    __

22) Spending money on small purchases    __    __    __    __

23) Spending money on large purchases     __    __    __    __

24) Whether I go on family outings      __    __    __    __

25) How do I spend time on family outings  __    __    __    __

26) How I spend my free time               __    __    __    __

27) When I visit with relatives               __    __    __    __

28) Active social time with relatives     __    __    __    __

29) What forms of discipline are used    __    __    __    __

30) When discipline is used                    __    __    __    __

31) Whether I go to school                     __    __    __    __

32) Whether I get to be late for school  __    __    __    __

33) What school subjects I take             __    __    __    __

34) What classes I take or drop             __    __    __    __

35) What grades I make                         __    __    __    __

36) When I study and do homework     __    __    __    __

37) What school I attend                        __    __    __    __

38) Cleanliness of my room                    __    __    __    __

39) Whether I have household chores    __    __    __    __

40) What my chores are                         __    __    __    __

41) When are my chores completed       __    __    __    __

42) Whether I follow basic household rules __    __    __    __

43) How do I spend my summers            __    __    __    __

44) Is there a weekly allowance              __    __    __    __

45) How do I earn my allowance            __    __    __    __

46) Whether I obey the law                    __    __    __    __

47) Whether I attend therapy sessions   __    __    __    __

48) Whether I graduate or get a GED    __    __    __    __

49) Whether I attend church                 __    __    __    __

50) When I move away from home        __    __    __    __

51) How much time I spend watching t.v.   __    __    __    __

52) Weather I get body piercings              __    __    __    __

53) Whether I smoke or use alcohol at all   __    __    __    __

54) Whether I go to 12-step meetings      __    __    __    __

55) Whether I have a sponsor                  __    __    __    __

56) Whether I have tutoring for school  __    __    __    __

57) What types of movies I watch         __    __    __    __

58) What music I listen to                      __    __    __    __

59) Who chooses music while in the car __    __    __    __

60) Whether I get a tattoo                       __    __    __    __

61) How much time I spend on the computer __    __    __    __

62) What Internet sites I view                 __    __    __    __

                        

The Power of Makeup (Extreme Makeover)

Every ugly duckling, a swan.

Still Talkin' Bout my Generation

Paul McCartney on Drugs

I am not sure how much of this is true.  I found the extensiveness and details surprising.

Talkin' Bout My Generation

Some Baby Boomers, who once hoped they'd die before getting old, got their wish:

Among Americans in their 40s and 50s, deaths from illicit-drug overdoses have risen by 800 percent since 1980, including 300 percent in the last decade. In 2004, American hospital emergency rooms treated 400,000 patients between the ages 35 and 64 for abusing heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana, hallucinogens and “club drugs” like ecstasy.

Some robbed from "the rich" (you and me) and gave to "the poor" (themselves):

Equally surprising, graying baby boomers have become America’s fastest-growing crime scourge. The F.B.I. reports that last year the number of Americans over the age of 40 arrested for violent and property felonies rose to 420,000, up from 170,000 in 1980. Arrests for drug offenses among those over 40 rose to 360,000 last year, up from 22,000 in 1980.

Some threw away with two hands the freedom they once wrote about, sang about, and so coveted:

The Bureau of Justice Statistics found that 440,000 Americans ages 40 and older were incarcerated in 2005, triple the number in 1990.

Not pretty. No excuse for it. They are spoiled children who never grew up.  They are both tragic and horrid.

Well, post-Baby Boomers, soon it will be your turn.  Some of you are quite upset that Boomers have received so much attention through their lives, and that they continue to do so. 

As I witness the departure from the earth of the WW2 generation, all I can tell you is that if your experience is anything close to mine, one day you will miss us Boomers more than words can say, and thoughts about our faults will disappear.

Through the lense of time, everything that you think about us now may even change completely.  One day, Boomers may be seen as courageous and indomitable in the face of old age -   never giving up, never giving in, remaining young at heart. We may not deserve the accolades, but I'll bet one day we will receive them.

We Boomers once talked of "generation gaps" and looked down upon the WW2 generation as straight-laced, repressed and bigoted.  And we rebelled, rightly,  but it felt so good, we forgot to stop and may have tossed the proverbial baby out with the bath water, leaving those who follow to go out and find it again.

How will your children look at you?

I wish you luck when they reach their teen years, and patience when they criticize you. 

One day, they too will know what it's like to grow old.

I hope you are able to make a better world for them.  By all means, please surpass us, and teach them to surpass you. 

Blog Envy

I've known Bookworm for a while and have long been in awe of her writing, her intellect and her ability to generate great discussions on her blog.  Added to this, she's an exceptionally nice person. 

She has a co-blogger, Don Quixote, who doesn't usually blog as often as she does.  Bookie is away right now and DQ is doing a marvelous job in her place. 

This is a long-winded way of directing you to a fascinating discussion of racism in the United States sparked by Mr. Quixote that's going on over there.  It's not a fair discussion.  The lone liberal is losing -  conservatives having both numbers and logic on their side. I don't necessarily agree with every point made. Regardless, the commentary made me think and I came across perspectives that I hadn't considered before. 

Here are two links.  It is suggested that you read them in order:

Link one

Link two

Hasn't This Been Said Before in Far Fewer Words?

Just like the old saw says: 

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Why do they insist on making it so complicated?  Why use 20 zillion words when 9 will do?

You Are 8% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You're so far from paranoid schizophrenic... you probably found this quiz to be quite amusing.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

Via White Pebble

Cancer and Man's Search for Meaning

Writer Alice Hoffman in an interview with Mamm magazine verbalizes how she feels as a survivor of the big C:

I'm in good health, and it's been eight years now, and they say after five years you're safe.  But I'm not sure anyone ever feels safe.  I think I do have more ability to block things out, but deep inside it's still the same.  Deep inside you know:  Once you get that kind of bombshell, you know there can always be a bombshell.

...when I was sick I read a book called Man's Search For Meaning, and it made me understand that these horrendous things that you go through are the things that really define you, they make you who you are. 

The author's [Viktor Frankl] family had perished in the concentration camps, and he struggled to make sense of a world in which there's so much pain and sorrow.  His theory is that it's the sorrow that defines you.  Not the happiness, but the sorrow.  It's sorrow - and the way you deal with it - that makes you the person that you are.

And I believe that.  I don't believe that's a good thing; I just believe it's the state of the world.  That's what life is:  Good things happen and bad things happen.  But the sorrow shows who you are deep inside, I think it shows it to yourself, and sometimes it's a shocker.

If you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning, I highly recommend it:

Viktor Frankl’s theory and therapy grew out of his experiences in Nazi death camps.  Watching who did and did not survive (given an opportunity to survive!), he concluded that the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche had it right:  “He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how. " (Friedrich Nietzsche, quoted in 1963, p. 121) He saw that people who had hopes of being reunited with loved ones, or who had projects they felt a need to complete, or who had great faith, tended to have better chances than those who had lost all hope.

*************

Like Freud a citizen of Vienna and a practicing psychotherapist, Dr. Viktor Frankl also became a university professor and prolific author. His most widely read work is Man's Search For Meaning, a keenly observed account of his experiences in the Nazi death camps during Word War II. Originally intended for limited private circulation, the slim book has since been translated into 24 languages....Frankl first ponders the mystery of transcendent experience amid extreme suffering, then explores the true nature of human moral freedom. Frankl's concentration camp experiences profoundly influenced his life's work after the war, leading to his development of logotherapy, a new clinical approach to helping patients rediscover meaning in their lives.

Book Excerpt

A Viktor Frankl quote:

I recommend that the Statue of Liberty be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the west coast.

Ahem. (cough) "Me, me, me me."

I'm a O80-C52-E15-A87-N37 Big Five!!

What are you?

Interestingly, I did not place the exclamation points at the end of the link above - they were placed there by the source.  Strange, that I thought it necessary to inform you of this.  Also strange, that I thought it necessary to tell you that I found it interesting. 

And I am still thinking and writing about it, minutes later.

Am I thinking too deeply?  Or just trying to amuse?  Will readers think it's amusing or tedious? Should I care?  What am I doing this for?  Why am I here?  What is the meaning of existence? Does it matter?  Doesn't everything matter?  If everything doesn't matter, than why should anything? What is the smallest piece of information you can think of?  What's smaller than that?  Where did it come from? Are matter and energy one and the same?  Can we create matter?  Can we create energy? If we can't, who can?  Who did? 

Not sure if the test covered this aspect of.